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앞으로 뭘 하실지 결정해야 할 때 :: 2008/06/30 20:28
오늘 부모님께서 올라오셨다. 김치와 밑반찬을 들고 오셨다. 혼자 들기에 조금 무거운 짐을 가져오느라 힘드셨겠다. 자취방으로 안내하여 쉬시게했다.
부모님께서 지난 30년 동안 비닐하우스에 야채, 채소 종류등을 키워오셨다. 내 기억속에 있는 첫 비닐하우스 모습을 생각하면 이렇다. 철 파이프가 비쌌기 때문인지 몰라도 대나무와 말목 그리고 쇠파이프를 혼합하여 비닐하우스를 지었고 그 위에 비닐은 한 겹만 덮었다. 겨울 밤이 춥기 때문에 볏짚을 짜서 선피를 만들었고 해가 넘어 갈 쯤 되면 비닐하우스 위를 덮었다. 집에는 석탄과 아궁이에 붙여 난방을 했지만 하우스엔 석유난로를 사용했다. 밤이 깊이지면 아버지께서는 몇번씩 하우스를 갔다오셨다. 난방은 잘 되고 있는지, 석유는 남아 있는지 확인하고 오셨다. 지금은 비닐하우스 환경이 많이 바뀌었다. 선피라는것도 없을 뿐만 아니라 난방 또한 알아서 작동한다.
방에 앉아 부모님의 이야기를 듣고 있었다. 그동안 오이, 애호박, 방울토마토 등을 키워오셨는데 이제는 재배작물을 바꿔야 겠단다. 기름 값, 비료값, 운송료 등 배보다 배꼽이 더 큰 상황이 발생하게 되었단다. 올 해 겨울부터는 뭘 재배해야 이익이 있을지 아직 결정을 못 하신듯 하다. 대부분의 농가들이 재배를 안하겠다고 나섰기에 내년엔 야채, 채소 값이 많이 오를거 같단다. 연세도 있기 때문에 힘든 일은 이제 못하시겠단다. 그리하여 이번에 돈을 들여 트랙터를 구입하셨다. 지금 갖고 있는 한우를 팔지 못하고 계속 키워야 하는데 그것 또한 들어가는 돈이 만만치가 않다. 남의 땅을 빌려 쌀농사를 짓고 얻어지는 볏짚을 소들에게 주기 때문에 다른 집보다는 형편이 조금 낫다고는 하나 흘리시는 땀빵울에 비하면 경제적 가치가 낮다.
시골에서 어떻게 농사를 짓고 사셔야할지 걱정을 하신다. 그 말을 듣는 나 또한 가슴이 저리다.
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만나고 싶은 사람 :: 2007/05/25 15:14
만나고 있는 사람 있니? 여자 친구 있니? 어떤 사람 좋아해?
요즘 들어 듣는 이야기이다. 어머니께서, 오랜만에 만나는 친구가, 후배가, 선배가, 지인들이 묻는다. 없습니다.
나를 아는 사람들은 시골에서 농사짓는 사람을 찾는 다는 것을 알고 있다. 나는 왜 저렇게 말을 했을까? 아마도 적당하게 표현 할 방법이 없어서일까? '나와 같은 비전을 같고 있는 사람을 만나고 싶습니다'라고 이야기 하면 '어떤 비전이야' 라고 물어 볼 것이다. 모든 대답을 간단하게 '시골에서 농사짓기를 원하는 사람을 찾고 있습니다'라고 이야기 하는 것이다.
농사 짓는 것이 나의 비전은 아니다. 내가 갖고 있는 비전과 같다면 충분히 '시골에서 농사짓고 싶습니다'라고 이야기를 할 것이다. 나도 만나고 싶다. 빨리 만났으면 좋겠다. 하지만 나의 생각 일 뿐 빨리 만나고 늦게 만나고는 내가 결정 할 수 있는 부분은 아닌 것 같다. 하나님께서 예비하신 사람이 있을거라 생각하기 때문이다.
나의 비전을 나의 마음데로 바꾼다면 얼마든지 좋은 사람을 만 날 것이라 생각한다.(나만의 생각에 빠져 있는 것인가?) 하지만 하나님께서 주신 비전을 내 마음데로 바꿀 수 없다. 그래서 난 기다려야 한다. 아직 때가 아니라고 말씀하신다.
내 곁에 누군가 있어 줬으면 좋겠다. 이런 나의 마음에 채워야 할 부분이 있다. 하나님에 대한 사랑이다. 하나님을 사랑하는 마음으로 채우지 못하기 때문에 그 빈자리를 사람으로 채우려 하고 있다.
내가 아직 준비되어 있지 않지만 욕심을 낸다. 지금 당장 나와 같은 비전으로 복음을 같이 전 할 수 있는 사람을 만나고 싶습니다.
무슨 생각을 하고있는가? :: 2007/05/21 02:45
지금 무슨 생각으로 살고있는지 모르겠다. 분주병인가? 잠을 많이 자는 것도 아니고 매일 학교에서 생활하고 있음에도 불구하고 제대로 해 나가고 있는 일은 없다. 즉 결과가 없다. 시간을 활용하지 못하고 있는 것이다. 바쁜거 같음에도 불구하고 전혀 바쁘지 않다.
해야 할 것은 있다. 그러나 하지 않고 미루다 마감일이 되었을 때 일을 급하게 처리한다. 그런 경우가 한 두 번이 아니다. 운전면허 발급 받는것, 졸업작품 전시회 준비, 지능형 모형차 대회 준비, 학교 수업 준비, 보고서 작성 등 마감 시간이 다 되어 갈 때 쯤 마무리를 짓는다.
나는 바쁘지 않다. 그러나 다른 사람들은 나를 바빠 보인다고 한다. 여유가 없어 보인다고 한다. 그래서 물어보는 것도 부탁하는 것도 조심스럽다고 한다. 생활의 태도를 바꿔야겠다. 새벽까지 늦게자고 아침에 수업시간 다 되어 부시시한 모습으로 수업을 들어가니 뭔가 하다가 밤을 샜나 하겠지. 밤 새 뭘 했는지 조차 나도 모른다.
지금 이 시간 벌써 3시다. 하긴 했지. 하지만 1시간에 끝낼 일을 2시간 넘게 붙잡고 있지 않은가? 일을 처리하는 면에서 효율적이지 못하다.
밤 10시가 되면 이제 집에 들어가야 겠다. 아침에 새벽기도 나가도록 해야겠다. 지금과 같은 모습으로는 나의 발전은 없고 쫒기는 듯 사는 모습을 보일 것 같다.
내려 놓는 다는 것. :: 2006/11/06 22:43
하나님앞에 모든 것을 내려 놓는 다는 것은 어떤 의미일까. 도데체 나는 어떤 뜻으로 받아 들이고 있는 것일까. 여기까진 괜잖겠지. 아니야 이것도 괜잖지 않을꺼야 하며 반복되어지는 생각들 때문에 주님앞에 맡긴다는 의미가 어떤건지 모르겠다.
아무 것도 염려하지 말고 오직 모든 일에 기도와 간구로, 너희 구할 것을 감사함으로 하나님께 아뢰라<빌4:6> 주님앞에 맡긴다는 것은 염려하지 말고 주님께 구하는 것이라고 말씀하시는 것일까? 주님께 맡긴 일에 대해서는 염려와 걱정없이 그냥 잊어버리는 일일까?
마음 속에 정리되어지지 않는 생각들로 내가 해야 할 일들에 대해 방해를 받는다. 나의 근심과 염려로 해결될 문제가 아니라는 것을 앎에도 불구하고, 주님께 맡겨드립니다 라고 기도함에도 불구하고 계속 생각하고 있는 것은 내가 주님의 말씀을 전적으로 믿지 못했기 때문일게야. 생각하지 말자. 이게 주님게 맡겨드리는 것일것이다. 어떻게든 해결 해 주실 분이시다.
보라 너희는 두려워 말고 :: 2006/10/10 23:53
보라 너희는 지치지 말고 보라 너희를 구원한 나를
너희를 치던 적은 어디 있느냐
너희를 억누르던 원수는 어디 있느냐
보라 하나님 구원을 보라 하나님 능력을
너희를 위해서 싸우시는 주의 손을 보라
보라 하나님 구원을 보라 하나님 능력을
너희를 위해서 싸우시는 주의 손을 보라
-보라 너희는 두려워 말고-
어제 밤 우연히 알게 된 사실 때문에 잠이 오지 않았다. 하나님께 감사합니다. 감사합니다. 했지만 미움인지, 감사함인지, 답답함인지 모르는 감정에 1시간 넘게 누워만 있었던 것 같다. 아침에 책상에 앉아 책을 보는데 주변의 일어나는 일 때문에 집중이 되지 않았다. 친구가 다쳐서 병원에 누워있고, 배목사님께서는 일주일 넘게 아프시다는 소식, 주가하락에 따른 금전적 손실, 시골 친구들과의 서먹함. 중간고사, 레포트, 풀리지 않는 교과서 문제들. 별거 아닌 것 같은데 탁 막혀 있는 느낌이 싫다.
'보라 너희는 두려워 말고' 노래를 다시 듣게 됬다. 한 때 즐겨 들었던 노래였는데 다시 나에게 힘을 주는 노래가 되었다. 하나님께 맡겨 드리면 되는데 쉽지가 않다. 평안함을 찾고 싶다.
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eolin.com 자주 들락 거린다. 방금 전 글을 쓰던 중 에올린에 내 글이 올라 왔나싶어 들어 갔더니 별바람님의 글이 눈에 뛴다. 글을 읽다가 트랙백 타고 다른 글 읽어보고 원사운드님의 글도 읽어 보았다.
그냥 내 마음이 답답하다. 인터넷이란 공간이 어떤 공간일까? 라는 헛 생각도 해 보고, 왜 저렇게 글을 올릴까? 라는 생각도 해본다. 위의 글을 읽어 보면 그사람이 하고 싶어하는 말이 무엇인지 요점을 찾기 보다는 상대방을 깍아 내리는 듯 한 냄새를 맡게된다.
나는 글을 잘 쓰지 못한다. 그래서 비판 하고싶어도 비판이 아닌 비난의 글을 쓰는 것 같아 비판하는 글을 쓰지 않는다. 위의 글들을 읽으면서 다시 느낀다. 글을 써 올리는게 두렵다.
상대방이 싫다하여 상대방의 인격을 깍아 내리지 말자. 상대방도 생각하는 사람이다. 그저 나와 다른 사고 방식을 갖고 있을 뿐이다.
마음과 생각의 혼잡 :: 2006/05/08 07:04
마음과 생각이 다르다. 이럴때는 어떻게 해야 하는가?
기쁜일이 아니라 슬프거나 화나거나 짜증나는 일에 있어서 더욱 그렇다.
예수님께서는 모두 용서하라고 말씀하셨다. 나의 생각으로는 용서 했다고 하면서 마음은 그렇지 못하다.
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..정리되지 않은 생각
Secret Entry! Enter Password
Life on earth is a test :: 2006/05/07 06:30
목적이 이끄는 삶의 책에 5번째 날에 하나님의 관점에서 나의 삶을 바라보는 내용이 나온다. 그중 이 세상의 삶은 하나님께서 주시는 시험의 연속이라는 내용이다.
내가 성공하고 아프고 좌절하고 내 삶에 문제가 생기는 등, 이 세상에서 일어나는 일에 내가 어떻게 하나님께 반응하는지 하나님께서는 지속적으로 나를 지켜보고 계신다. 내 삶에 하나님을 느끼지 못할때 내가 어떻게 반응하는지 테스트 하는 것이 가장 큰 테스트이다. 나의 삶이 시험의 연속이라고 생각 한다면 조그마한 일도 하잖은 것이 없다.
지금 나에게는 많은 시험을 주시는 것도 아니고 내가 깨달을 수 있을 정도의 시험을 주시고 계시다. 이곳에서의 시간이 하나님을 알아 나갈 수 있는 귀한 시간임을 깨닫는다. 그 전에는 알지도 못했던 내 삶의 진행과정이 정리되어 지고 있다.
당장 마음은 불안하고 기분이 나쁠지라도 하나님께서 나에게 깨닫게 해 주시고 계심을 알기에 즐거움이 있고 평안함이 있다. 그리하여 모든것을 하나님께 감사한다.
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온맘 다해 :: 2006/05/04 03:18
주님과 함께하는 이 고요한 시간
모든 것 다 아시는 주님께 감출 것 없네
내 맘과 정성 다해 주 바라나이다.
온맘 다해 사랑합니다. 온맘 다해 주 알기 원하네.
내 모든 삶 당신 것이니 주만 섬기리. 온맘 다해.
나 염려 하지 않아도 나 쓸 것 아시니
나 오직 주의 얼굴 구하게 하소서.
날 이해 할 수 없을 때라도 감사하며
날마다 순종하며 주 따르오리다.
온맘 다해 사랑합니다. 온맘 다해 주 알기 원하네.
내 모든 삶 당신 것이니 주만 섬기리. 온맘 다해.
-온맘 다해-



